As you are aware I asked for a few people to talk about their story’s on living with Mental Illness, today is from a guy called Benedict who bravely came forward and spoke about what it is like from his perspective and it’s an interesting read.
Tell us a bit about yourself
I am 32 and have been with my fiancée for 14 years. We met when I was 18 and she was 17. Within 13 months we had a Son and he is now almost 13.
Why did you create a blog and what were you hoping to achieve?
I decided to create a blog http://aboyfromslough.wordpress.com because I wanted to express my emotions, thoughts, feelings and suffering.
What does your picture say about you?
I guess my picture shows me how I want to be perceived, as a friendly, family man who is willing to help others.
How does Mental Health affect you on a day-to-day basis?
My mental health affects me every second of every day. Borderline Personality Disorder comes with numerous pieces. The one that affects me the most is the identity dissociation. This is essentially not having an identity you can claim as your own.
My identity changes with everything I see and hear. If I hear a person speaking Mandarin (Chinese) then I will want to learn that language. If I watch a film about a survivor who fights terrorists then I will feel like I should join the Police and work my way up to a Counter Terrorism Unit.
Currently, I am trying to learn Chinese, sign language, write a book, read books, collect geeky figures in boxes, stream games online, do the best I can in my work/family life, read comics and get into better shape. My brain doesn’t turn off. It works at a hundred miles an hour. I am always analysing everything around me for any possible outcome.
Time is really important to me and I am always trying to make the best use of my time. When I get in from work, I will very rarely sit down and watch television as it is not challenging enough for my brain. I need to be challenged constantly by doing things that are interesting or difficult.
I have an obsessive personality and so when I find something new to be interested in, like a language, I will completely involve myself into it. I will begin downloading apps to help me learn, speak to people who speak that language, research stuff, make a timetable for learning, update social media profiles with my new choices to ensure my identity is up to date and then after 4 weeks I will lose all interest and move onto something else.
I am emotionally unstable, another part of the disorder. I will feel emotions quicker, for longer and deeper than everyone else. I will cry at songs, films, moments, settings and if dealing with someone else’s pain either visually or verbally I will feel what they are feeling. Sometimes this can be good, other times bad.
It’s weird but I cannot be bored. I mean, I can be bored but it is not good for me. If I am left alone with my thoughts bored then I will eventually want to die. I doubt I will ever hurt myself but the feelings of despair and loneliness are all to real.
What are you future goals or aims you’re looking to achieve?
My goals vary based on my illness. Right now though, I am trying to turn my online game streaming into a full time job, learn Chinese/Sign Language and write a fiction book. This will most definitely change within the next 12 weeks so you might want to come back to me.
What advice would you give to someone who is in your position?
If someone else is suffering with BPD the way I do I would say just find your constant happy. Find what it was that you enjoyed when you were a child and do that. By doing things that you enjoyed before the disorder you can almost eliminate your pain. At least you can eliminate it while you’re in that happy constant.
It is not easy having BPD, there is no cure, it’s a 24/7 illness of constantly changing emotions that you have no control over but have to endure and for some it is so bad they cannot function enough to work.
If you have BPD, find your happy.
Thank you once again Benedict for opening up and sharing your story with me, I know it’s a hard thing to do but you nailed it.
Daddy Giraffe x