Letter to my many personalities

I was diagnosed with personality disorder which is the mixture of Bi-Polar and Schizophrenia, this would explain my rapid mood change and the fact living with me is like living with 7 different people, so instead of standing in a room and talking to myself like a nut job I have decided to write an open letter instead.

Dear me, myself and I

I have decided to take some time out to write to a letter and address you all individually.

Firstly let me start with a simple YOU SUCK!!

Depression I would like to start with you, every time you seem to catch me on a low day or when something slightly goes wrong, with this you pounce like a lion waiting in the grass for its prey and once you have a hold I just can’t seem to shake you off.

You bring on tears, fears and thoughts of self harm but you’re not unbeatable and you fade with help and support, there are more of us than you so you will never win no matter how low I am I will not give you that satisfaction!

Anxiety you are something new and something I have never dealt with before, once a happy, outgoing and confident person you seem to have brought of a nervousness in me which I do not like, you put me in a constant state of fight or flight mode every time the door knocks or someone walks toward me.

Again you wasn’t there before so you can be gone just as easily, step by step I will venture out into the world again confident and without fear of the unknown.

Rage….oh you are the pain in my ass!!

You come out of no where over the stupidest of things and just appear out the shadows like a constant unwelcome relative. You bring sadness to everyone you come into contact with, you destroy lives, break up families and just leave destruction everywhere you go without any remorse or cause.

You wont go no matter what I do….Therapy, tablets, counselling or deep breaths you just stood there poking me with a pointed object waiting for me to snap just to sit back and watch the carnage unfold.

You are the Chinese whisper in ear that smiles when they tell me, you can go F**K Yourself

And finally we come to the one that we have named Maureen, you are cold,dead eyed and when your here it’s like people are talking to someone completely different. There is simply no emotion just a blank expression and nastiness.

With this letter I just want to let you all know that you are only renting this space and your tenancy is up, rent overdue and I want you out one way or another.

This letter is your written warning!

Up Yours

Daddy Giraffe


Benedict Guest Blog on Mental Health

As you are aware I asked for a few people to talk about their story’s on living with Mental Illness, today is from a guy called Benedict who bravely came forward and spoke about what it is like from his perspective and it’s an interesting read.

Tell us a bit about yourself

I am 32 and have been with my fiancée for 14 years. We met when I was 18 and she was 17. Within 13 months we had a Son and he is now almost 13.

Why did you create a blog and what were you hoping to achieve? 

I decided to create a blog http://aboyfromslough.wordpress.com because I wanted to express my emotions, thoughts, feelings and suffering.

What does your picture say about you?

I guess my picture shows me how I want to be perceived, as a friendly, family man who is willing to help others.

How does Mental Health affect you on a day-to-day basis?

My mental health affects me every second of every day. Borderline Personality Disorder comes with numerous pieces. The one that affects me the most is the identity dissociation. This is essentially not having an identity you can claim as your own.

My identity changes with everything I see and hear. If I hear a person speaking Mandarin (Chinese) then I will want to learn that language. If I watch a film about a survivor who fights terrorists then I will feel like I should join the Police and work my way up to a Counter Terrorism Unit.

Currently, I am trying to learn Chinese, sign language, write a book, read books, collect geeky figures in boxes, stream games online, do the best I can in my work/family life, read comics and get into better shape. My brain doesn’t turn off. It works at a hundred miles an hour. I am always analysing everything around me for any possible outcome.

Time is really important to me and I am always trying to make the best use of my time. When I get in from work, I will very rarely sit down and watch television as it is not challenging enough for my brain. I need to be challenged constantly by doing things that are interesting or difficult.

I have an obsessive personality and so when I find something new to be interested in, like a language, I will completely involve myself into it. I will begin downloading apps to help me learn, speak to people who speak that language, research stuff, make a timetable for learning, update social media profiles with my new choices to ensure my identity is up to date and then after 4 weeks I will lose all interest and move onto something else.

I am emotionally unstable, another part of the disorder. I will feel emotions quicker, for longer and deeper than everyone else. I will cry at songs, films, moments, settings and if dealing with someone else’s pain either visually or verbally I will feel what they are feeling. Sometimes this can be good, other times bad.

It’s weird but I cannot be bored. I mean, I can be bored but it is not good for me. If I am left alone with my thoughts bored then I will eventually want to die. I doubt I will ever hurt myself but the feelings of despair and loneliness are all to real.

What are you future goals or aims you’re looking to achieve?

My goals vary based on my illness. Right now though, I am trying to turn my online game streaming into a full time job, learn Chinese/Sign Language and write a fiction book. This will most definitely change within the next 12 weeks so you might want to come back to me.

What advice would you give to someone who is in your position?

If someone else is suffering with BPD the way I do I would say just find your constant happy. Find what it was that you enjoyed when you were a child and do that. By doing things that you enjoyed before the disorder you can almost eliminate your pain. At least you can eliminate it while you’re in that happy constant.

It is not easy having BPD, there is no cure, it’s a 24/7 illness of constantly changing emotions that you have no control over but have to endure and for some it is so bad they cannot function enough to work.

If you have BPD, find your happy.

Thank you once again Benedict for opening up and sharing your story with me, I know it’s a hard thing to do but you nailed it.

Daddy Giraffe x


Mind, Body & Soul, the quest to find and fix the real me

As I start my journey to take better care of myself there are certain aspects that I need to focus on, theses are Mind, Body & Soul.



For a while now I have struggled with who I am as a person, an individual, a partner and at the moment if I’m doing any good at being a dad or a role model.

The problem with not knowing who you really are and having so many different personality’s is know which one is actually real is any of them real and what if the one who is real turns out to be the asshole???

So I think time is the key, I’m not one for meditation I’m trying to avoid my thoughts not concentrate on them all!

Learning to embrace it and just go with the flow is the only conclusion I can think of, just learning to live with the fact that this a part of who I am and if I end up alone at least I will have a few people to talk to.

A healthy mind must come from positive thinking and not all of this negative thinking, learning to smile, laugh and even talk to people more it can’t hurt to open up a little bit can it?



In the early years I was so healthy and so fit I did everything from running to MMA, I had a six-pack and had stamina for days on end.

Now days it’s a different story, my hot bod has been transformed into a dad bod which don’t get me wrong I have enjoyed getting, after putting the kids to bed the last thing on my mind was doing push ups, the only thing I was pushing was the checkout button on the local takeaway.

Now that I want to make a change and whats a healthy mind without a healthy body to go with it!

It will be hard work I know this but if it means I’m around longer to see my kids grow up and see my grandchildren instead of going into self destruct mode and only I can change this



This is the biggest thing I feel, I believe we all have a soul or else all these emotions and heartbreak we go through would be for nothing.

When I held my new born child for the first time, I felt love and not the kid of love you get from a pet or anything else but a love that rocks you to your core, a love with all your heart and soul.

I hurt a lot of people along the way and I believe I damaged my soul in the process, I’m not a bad person but I have done enough damage to know it hurts me and others.

So healing myself inside is key to helping me move forward and grow as a person, a person that I will like and am comfortable to be around.

One step at a time

Daddy Giraffe x








Muddly Mum A Guest post on Mental Health

As a someone who suffers from Mental Health Issues i’m trying to raise awareness that it’s ok to talk about these things and it shouldn’t be such a taboo subject, people like Muddly Mum have agreed to open up and talk about something so personal.

There are a lot of people who deal with Mental Health and writing about it is a way of expressing themselves as a release, I asked a few bloggers to share with me their experiences and the responses where overwhelming.

The first person I asked was a blogger Muddly Mum, a blogger who writes about Mental Health and other issues, this is worth a read.

Tell us a little bit about yourself  

I’m 41, married for 19 years and a mum to three aged 18 10 and 9. I was first diagnosed with MH issues aged 26. I actually struggled with anxiety for years but managed to muddle through somehow. Despite having Mental Health issues I have achieved some amazing things like having three lovely children and like singing in the same recording studio as Chesney Hawkes last October and success on my professional blog.

Why did you decide to create a personal blog and what are you looking to achieve? 

I started to write a blog as a way to process what was going on in my head. I was really encouraged to find that others can relate and find it helpful too.

I aim to normalise mental health by talking about it. Recent stats in the daily mail say as many as 40% of Men and 50% of women take antidepressants, it is crazy that we still find it so difficult to talk about. I figure if I must walk this shitty road I would like to make an impact of some description along the way.

I have spent a lot of time this year re thinking my sexuality, many of us are confused about it and it negatively impacts on our mental health. I think if we can accept who we are along the way, it is so much healthier. I don’t think we have to be militant and shout it from the rooftops, just a look at our ourselves and accepting ourselves for who we are.

What does you picture say about you or represent?

I tend to post very suggestive avatar pictures. I could say it is about body positivity, I love experiment with different fabrics angles and lighting. I’m actually a terrible flirt.

After my last breakdown in 2004 I did some life modelling, it’s a case of after a breakdown I spend some time finding what I actually think and believe and giving less of a shit what other’s think. I suppose the being naked is what you see is what you get. We’ve even joined the local naturist club.

I actually use sex to help manage my moods this is part of the reason for the rude avis too.

How has Mental Health affected your life?

Since my breakdown in late 2016 my moods have been very unstable. I can go from giddy high, I can do anything, on top of the world to feeling suicidal and struggling to resist thoughts of self harm and suicide and back to high in one day. The triggers are strong emotions. Through all this I still fight tooth and nail to get the kids to school, do washing and make meals. I do this for my kids. Some days I do better than others. During more stable periods of my life, my mood swings have not been so severe or quick to change.

How do you cope day to day living with MH issues?

I use music and singing to distract from low moods as much as I can.

Nice smells and anything sensory can also distract me when I get stuck in depressive suicidal thought patterns.

Getting out into the fresh air especially with a view can help lift my mood at times.

I love languages and sometimes switching languages can help shift my mood. I find when I am really anxious I can be calmer in my second language.

For the sake of my kids I try to keep to a routine and be as stable as I can when they are around.

I am really lucky to have a very supportive husband who is willing to walk through this shit with me.

He jokes he had had a few different wives though our marriage as I have changed a lot.

I get a lot of support from chatting with others on twitter either about issues or silly nonsense. A number of times I have needed to do a supermarket shop and been very anxious, but chatting on twitter whilst I shop makes me feel I am not on my own and much braver.

What are your goals?

Many days my goal is to get through the day.

We’ve just got a new social worker and I’ve fingers crossed this year the kids will get the support they need in school to counteract the instability at home.

My aim this year is to be stable enough get back to paid work this year.

If you could give someone in your position some advice what would it be?

Be kind to yourself and slow to judge and get frustrated for what you now can’t do that you could easily do in well periods.

Don’t let your illness define you. It is only part of your life.

Thank you very much, this was very brave and must of been hard for you to open up and I wish you all the best in the future.

If you want to read more from Muddly Mum you can at:


Daddy Giraffe x


Old year is gone shiny New Year here….welcome 2018

2017 is now gone, the familiar saying out with the old and in with the new should be what I am going with but I am?

Last year sucked MAJOR ass!

Everything that could go wrong did go wrong, 2017 was a year that saw big moments in life such as big birthdays, some happy moments but it also had it’s fair share of lows with losing a close person to us all and seeing the New Year in single wasn’t what I had exactly planned.

But as I was once told thing’s in life happen for a reason and you just have to brush yourself off and carry on so I woke up this morning and instead of deciding to be a better me I just thought I would be the old me and just happier.

So what do I focus on then in this brand new year?

First and foremost is being the best daddy I can be, showing them love and teaching them the right way to go through life and try to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past. They will get everything I have and more, attention, time, anything they need to get by and a shoulder to cry on or a well done for the achievements they do in life.


The old me didn’t really care about including myself so I will focus on me, getting better and taking care of myself more. Enjoying life, laughing, taking risks and doing what I want to do and get my Mojo back (if that’s what the kids call it these days)

A proud parent
Me and my Bethie on her 1st Birthday

Old isn’t necessary a bad thing, there are things and lessons that I have taken away from this year like admitting when it’s time to let go no matter how hard it is, it is ok to say sorry and that it doesn’t make you any less of a person, it’s also ok to show emotion, I don’t want my kids thinking they will be look at different if they cry. Laugh more, laughter is they key and opens all doors and finally just be me and enjoy the way I look even if nobody else does!

Out with the old and in with the new
Looking Good

Daddy Giraffe x




New years Bucket List has turned in my f**k it list!

New year is nearly upon us, in most cases this means people try to better themselves and make promises that they intend to keep all year round, most common is going to the gym, healthy eating or even something as simple as finding more time for yourself or your children.

As the New year starts some people see it as a fresh start, a blank page, a new chapter (you get what I mean).

With this shiny brand New Year a Bucket List is usually written, now for those of you who don’t know what this is I will try to explain the best that I can. A Bucket List is a list composed of things an individual would like to do throughout their life or even just that year, once they have done an item on their list they cross it off and move on to the next.

New Years Bucket List
Bucket List

You maybe aware but 2017 has been a crappy year and I can’t wait to see the back of it, this made me think of my Bucket List for the New Year and what I would put on it, then I decided I am going to do things a little different and create a F**K It List!

A F**K It List will consist of all the things I’m not going to do or at least try to avoid no matter how big or small, this in hind sight if it works out should make my 2018 a little more enjoyable, well that’s the idea anyway.

So  ladies and gentleman I present you Daddy Giraffe’s F**K It List

Swear less – This will be hard as I swear without even realising it, this just comes natural but I would like my kids not to pick up certain words and use them as everyday language

Be less grumpy – Again this is difficult and I’m grumpy and it gets worse with age so the longer time gets on the grumpier I become, I will be the guy banging on the window because you walked on my grass or I’m keeping that ball that’s come over my fence I don’t care if your child’s only 3 they need to learn the ways of life.

Let People keep the change – I am that guy that orders a take away that comes to £19.99 and stands there waiting for the penny change, now will I use this penny? The answer is no I hate coppers and usually just throw them away anyway so why not let them just keep it instead of watching him rummage around trying to find a penny….

Gym and Exercise – You know what when I was younger all the way up until I became a dad I was fit and healthy, I had the six-pack and everything but now days since I have children that six-pack as some what disappeared. I have thought plenty of times about going back into the gym and working hard to get it back but you what F**K It! I don’t really want to and if I’m being honest am happy the way I am so if you want to run in place for hours on end getting tired all the best to you, I salute you with my big mac in hand sir!

New Year means New Me – Let’s be honest here the chances of it turning from December 31st 2017 where I’m an asshole them as soon and it changes to January 1st 2018 I am suddenly reborn like a Disney film is very slim. It’s the thought that counts and that I have at least tried. I’m still going to have my moments where I’m grumpy or me and the world arent friends today but I will bear in mind that there is always a tomorrow and its a clean start.

Don’t laugh it’s not funny – My sense of humour is dark sometimes and I find things funny when others would be shocked in them situations, people falling over is funny, borderline jokes are funny this is why I am not allowed in social situations as I have no filter and it’s like taking a man-child as well as 5 kids on a day out. Will this change, I’m going with very doubtful but if you fall in front of me and I laugh please know at least you made my day.

There you have it, these are a few items on my New Years F**K It List, I would love to hear some of yours for 2018

Why change your awesome the way you are!


Daddy Giraffe x





Mental Health does it ruin lives?

Recently I have come out about my Mental Health problems and the fact I am suffering with Personality Disorder which has made it difficult for me as a person to live a relevantly normal life and how its taken its toll and played a part in ruining my relationship.

Although I have taken steps to get better and am striving toward certain goals in my life, I leave a trail of destruction behind me that I can never repair.

I asked people  for their thoughts on Mental Health and for anyone to suffers or has been on the other end of suffering to tell their story with me so people can see what a big effect it has on people’s lives now, past and future.

Here are just a few of the brave stories people have put forward to me opening up must have been very hard for them and I’m thankful of your time and trust.

“I’m currently suffering from severe depression, its dominating my life and it’s not fun in fact it’s quite debilitating. I’ve had to take time off work to get on top of my mental and physical health, which of course means no income and I’m not even sure I will ever get back to work. I’m pretty much housebound at the moment, unless I have someone with me as my anxiety goes through the roof and I rarely see another adult as every time I have an episode I tend to lose people as they just don’t understand. Just when you think you can’t cry anymore, or hurt anymore more darkness hits you and you find yourself fighting even harder. Some days are really hard but I power on and try to distract myself in other things but it never last, I’m really just existing at the moment. We need to talk about Mental Health as people still don’t get it and tend to shy away from the issues surrounding it.”

This is hard to read when someone is so low that they feel there is no way out and depression is one of the hardest things to deal with in life when you don’t care enough about yourself to care for others to.

I hope you find your strength and support you need in friends and family to help you through this tough time in your life and hope things look brighter for you in the future.

The next story is from someone who has been on the receiving end of Mental Health and tells how it affected them as a person and family.

“I can honestly say Mental Health wreaked my marriage. My husbands state of mind combined with his mood swings meant we were always treading on eggshells. He would lose his temper with the children over the smallest stuff then let other stuff just go over his head, the children stopped bring their friends over because of the way he was acting. He would sleep for days on end to the point where I would have to give up countless jobs and opportunities because when I back from work the kids wouldn’t be ready for school and I would also have to end up doing the school runs as well. He could rarely be bothered to do anything including the kids and going out anywhere to the point I had to go on family holidays without him. Our sex life was non-existent, we didn’t talk and he lost his ability to make rational decisions which left us in a large amount of debt. Sadly we are now separated he wasn’t happy or in love and it was best we moved on. I am heart-broken but the children are happier not to be in that environment and I am now starting to rebuild my social circle again which was lost and now gaining myself a carer to move forward in life.”

This is interesting to see it from the opposite side of the relationship, seeing the damage it causes not only for the person it effect but the circle of family and friends around them. I hope you manage to get your life back on track for you and your children.

Mental Health and damaged my social and personal life but I am stronger now and much wiser to the things I have put people through, but nobody chooses to have this illness it’s the way we handle it that’s the key.

Thank you for those who confided in me to tell their story, I wish you all the best in your lives and hope you manage to get yourselves back on track

Daddy Giraffe x






Cheryl a message and promise to you

I want to take time from posting about the children and mental illness to focus on something very important in my life, something I took for granted, something that I didn’t really appreciate or give the credit where it was deserved.

This of course is my beautiful fiancée Cheryl.

Mummy and Bethie
Cheryl and baby bethie

We have had it rough and more than we have had good times but still we are together which says a lot for her character as a person and the love she has for me.

Did I return it in the way I should have?

No, instead I continued pushing her and others away, meaning to or not it still resulted in the same thing, hard times and a lot of sadness.

This woman, mother, daughter and all round special person deserves the world and more!!

If I could give it all to her I would without even thinking about it, over the past few day I have had time to take things in and do a lot of thinking.

I’ve come to a few conclusions…

  • I now appreciate everything she does not only for me but for our family, when you are in the same house together most of the time to don’t tend to see these things but I see everything she does now from cleaning, looking after the children to making sure we all have everything we need. She is way more organised than I am and I found that out quickly once she was gone.
  • How much I miss her, the first night I thought great I will get to star fish in the big bed, it never happened like than instead I turned over and realised she wasn’t there and thought I couldn’t do this the rest of my life knowing she wouldn’t be by my side, or in another room so that I can hug her or tell her I love her.
  • That I needed this time to change how I am towards her and people, I don’t tell her near enough or show her near enough how much she means to me, i’ve made some huge mistakes but I would marry that girl tomorrow if I could.
  • How much the kids rely on their mom, sure daddy cuddles are good but they are nowhere near as good as mommy cuddles, I think they all cant wait to see her and who can blame them.

I knew from the second I saw Cheryl that she would be the one I want to spend my life with and I’m damn sure about it now, things will change when she gets home and I tell and show her what she means to this family and never let her go.

Cheryl I love you to the moon and back and even more than that and you will see everyday that your loved and appreciated, not just as a mom but as a partner, lover and an equal.

Daddy Giraffe x

Wanted the old me. Have you seen him?

WANTED man around 34 years old, slim build, 5ft 10 inches, funny and good looking…..have you seen him?


Neither have I and ive looked under the sofa.

Years ago I was a shadow of the person I am now and it’s taken me so long to realise this, so long I have been deaf to it and pretended that this is me now so I have to deal with it.

Before my Mental Health got worse and took its toll on me I was this fun loving guy who loved life, loved going out with friends and family, socialised and took good care of myself.

Now I don’t go out unless I have to pick the kids up from school, I don’t socialise anymore not even in my own home, I have cut myself off from all family and friends and am just basically existing when some days I don’t even want to do that.

I ignored everything around me, nothing mattered and I only did things because I was pushed into it like making an effort with myself or even getting up in the morning, my family life suffered with my relationship taking the brunt of it making it non existent, just 2 people living together.

Something had to change and change fast before I lost/lose everything, my family and my relationship.

So I have tried to be the person I was, the fun loving person my partner fell in love with the person that she knew and the person that everyone knew. I have dug deep and thought and really tried to bring that person back, I have looked everywhere and I can’t seem to find him, maybe he just doesn’t want to be found.

So the person I wanted and what everyone else wanted might be gone for good what do I do now? Just except that this is it and cope the best I can until I realise I am an old man who just let life go by with no change to reclaim any of it back and just hope what comes after life isn’t so bad.


The old me maybe gone but I can be a new me, a better me, a stronger and more stable me. Someone that my family can be proud of and someone my partner deserves to be with better that before or what she has now.

I have made a list of things I want to be doing by next year:

  1. Be back in work
  2. Be married (If she still wants me)
  3. Be off my medication or at least have it stabilized
  4. Help someone who is in my position
  5. Be able to say I love life

A new start…a new me.

You can shove your WANTED notice up your ass!!!!

Daddy Giraffe x




Relationships and what not to do if you want them to work out

I see a lot of posts on how to make a relationships successful and how to keep them fresh.

When it comes to my children I would like to think that I am a very good father and tend to  all their needs, but as a partner I…how do I say this….I suck!!

So I would like you to take time and learn from my mistakes and read the what not to do’s in a relationship if you want to make it last.

Listening – This is very important in every relationship, it’s a give and take where you both express your feelings, listen and understand, unless your me! Now don’t get me wrong I will sit there and listen but does it sink in NO! So she finds herself repeating the same thing over and over and when your asked to repeat what she just said under no circumstances take a wild guess, it won’t go down well.

What are you thinking? – Sometimes you are in your own world and we all do that but in certain situations when asked what are you thinking and you give the answer nothing, it generally doesn’t go down well. Out of all the things in the world you could be thinking of and you have the opportunity to compliment her don’t waste it with a stupid nothing.

Don’t fall asleep!!! – If you’re having a deep and meaningful conversation in the middle of the night in bed with the lights off, for god sakes don’t fall asleep. It will go down like a lead balloon. Stay awake listen to whats being said to you idiot instead of dreaming. Also once the argument is over don’t just go to bed on bad terms on go to sleep, hug it out make sure their alright and at least you stand a fighting chance the next day.

Don’t Lie – I am notorious for this even little white lies that I think won’t hurt or will spare someones feelings, a lie is still a lie and eventually the trust will be gone and trying to win that back is you fighting a losing battle.

Keep on top of dates – Make time for dates, so many times I have missed date night or not arranged something to do for us as simple as watching a film together. I have figured out that its just time that your relationships are after, so why can’t I spare an hour out of my time?? Because I’m to occupied doing nothing instead.

Words hurt – As I mentioned in one of my last posts I am an asshole, I don’t shout and swear in argument instead I do worse I will say somethings that I can’t take back and once it is out there in the open good luck trying to claw it back, saying I didn’t mean it doesn’t make it any better no matter how many times you say it.

Slip into a routine – Day in day out just the same things but on a different day on the week, no interaction, no change and no effort. You both just end up falling into a pattern where this is just how life is nothing more nothing less. Where’s the excitement?? I don’t know I’m still looking myself!

Ignore them feelings – My biggest flaw is just not expressing how I feel and not showing it, words can be said so easily but actually showing it in relationships is key. A simple cuddle when they are sad or asking how they feel will go a long way, not just ignore the situation and just guess that they know that you love them and the way you feel.

Now if I could follow my own advice then maybe I can have one of those dream relationships instead of self destruction my own.

I have found the love of my life and i’m trying to hold on to it but my stupidity and ignorance is pushing it further away from me

Life is very short and you only get one shot at it so let your loved on know that you care and that you love them.