Inside the mind of a Bipolar/schizophrenic

You’re so Stupid!

You won’t do it!

Go on just do it, nobody will even notice!

Staring up at the multi flats I ignore the words I hear inside my head and carry on walking, what to they know anyway their just thoughts.

That’s right just my inner conscience playing tricks on me, it’s not the voice that put the fear of god into anyway, It’s the one outside my head that does the trick.

The one that just repeats my name at all times of the day and night no matter what time but this time it’s not inside I can actually hear her say..

Gareth…

Gareth……

GARETH!!!!

You learn to ignore it at first but when it starts to get more aggressive and frequent, it would wake me in the night to the point I was always tired no matter how much sleep I had the previous night.

One afternoon the kids were away so it was just me and Cheryl in the house alone, she was in the conservatory and I was in the kitchen washing the dishes when I her in my right ear…..Gareth!!?

I go inside the conservatory to see what she needs, she says she didn’t call me this happens a lot, so I just shrug it off as normal and go back to the sink.

I while goes by and I hear it again this time louder more desperate, I could even feel the air in my ears as if someone had just whispered.

That is the moment that I lose my shit!!

I run to the living room where Cheryl sees me asking what’s going on and I’m trying to tell her that someone called my name and I can’t find her.

What you must realise is I don’t cry, even when my children were born I didn’t cry but at this point as I said before I lost it and within seconds became a blubbering wreak, I had to leave the house as I knew it was still in there.

Crying in the garden, pacing, trying to catch my breath as my eyes never leave the upstairs window because I know there’s something going on.

Hours go by and I’m still in such a state 111 was called for help where they say if I’m not better soon they will have to send someone out or I would have to go, never have I been so scared that I might be locked away inside a  mental hospital my life.

You know when you get that feeling of I’m sure I’ve just seen something out of the corner of my eye well I get that all the time, I have seen things run across my door at night, poke their head around the corner of the stairs making me paranoid that something is following me around.

Unfortunately, part of Schizophrenia is hallucinations which I’m not convinced it is but again the doctors solution is more medication.

So where am it at now?

In a place where I’m kind of taking my medication and focusing on family while trying out managing techniques, but now and again slip ups happen but focusing on the positives is helping.

I hope to be medication free, but I can’t see it happening anytime soon, blogging has been the release I needed to power forward and help people in my position.

So, let the blogging commence!

Daddy Giraffe x

Diagnosis journey and the continuing battle to get better

My Diagnosis Journey been a long time coming…

I’ve always known there was something not quite right because this isn’t how normal people act, you see them outside laughing, having fun, in love or just going about their normal lives and that is the word I was struggling NORMAL.

From a young age I was going from mood to mood at an alarming pace, happy, sad, angry, happy again and that isn’t in just one day that is within hours. Thoughts that you say to yourself inwards were not your normal typical thoughts about how things are or what am I going to do tonight, these were different these were thoughts of your not good enough or telling you that the person you just walked past said something about you I’m sure they did.

As time goes by like a lot of things in life you just learn to live with it and adapt and that is just what I did, Getting on with life, work and moving forward pretending that everything is fine and dandy. If you know me or talk to me I will usually say what or ask you to say it again not because I’m being rude but I’m struggling to pick out your voice amongst the many others.

Years go by and I meet this girl and she is amazing in every single way, so I started of seeing her and meeting her children and family trying to hide the crazy and be a normal person that society says you must be or you will be labelled and then spoke to slightly different and slower for some reason.

This girl as I said was amazing and spotted something wasn’t quite right but instead of running to the hills where her gut tells her to go she just stands still, solid and helps me with getting some kind of help and maybe even a diagnosis so I can at least learn what it is and deal with it to live a life like I thought everyone lived.

The help was arranged and through years and years of appointments, talking, test medication and yet more appointments they came to a conclusion and a diagnosis of what I am dealing with, the diagnosis was Personality Disorder.

Great finally a name for what it is…wait what is Personality Disorder??

Well it wasn’t quite the good news I was hoping for, Personality Disorder is a mixture of Depression, Bi-Polar and Schizophrenia amongst others. So lots and lots of medication was prescribed and I’m doing better unfortunately this isn’t something that is just going to go away tomorrow so here I am dealing with this on a daily basis and after years of battling this demon by myself alone I have decided to talk and share and help with others to say its alright to be like this, that there isn’t such a thing as a normal person and we are all unique and it’s alright to say I’m struggling.

Join me on my journey and together we can make Mental Health something that people are not ashamed to speak about.

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/campaigns/mental-health-awareness-week

https://www.mind.org.uk/about-us/what-we-do/depression-alliance/

** All images and quote pictures were taken from google.